


Pretend To Hurt the Color of the Returning Sound

by meowvelous



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Aftermath, Aftermath of Violence, F/F, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-25
Updated: 2013-01-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 21:05:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/654409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meowvelous/pseuds/meowvelous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Life of a Vocaloid is not The Good Life. Not after everything that's happened to them. But they try to live with it the best they can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretend To Hurt the Color of the Returning Sound

**Author's Note:**

> Very vague allusions to some non-con and violence (the original PV for Spice, end of Servant of Evil video, the prequel to Dark Woods Circus, etc), don't read if that's upsetting for you.
> 
> This is a slightly edited version of a fic that's cross-posted to ff.net under the username "The Walker of Dreams" but I still like it and I really love the fandom, so I want it to live here too. Also yes I'm the original author and I can prove it if people want or whatever.
> 
> Based off the basic idea that what if the Vocaloids acted out each song/video and remembered what happened to them in it?
> 
> Characterization is based on my own interpretation because let's face it, they're pretty fluid and we don't have much real canon to work off of.

1\. soundless

Len has trouble sleeping at night.

He knows Rin doesn't understand it. She yells at him, sometimes. They're kept running around all day, and when they have some peace, he doesn't take it?

But it's not a conscious decision. Len wishes he could close his eyes – like Rin does – and fall into a deep, oblivious sleep.

It's not that easy though; at least, not for him.

Where they are – where they sleep – it's a void, of light and sound. The walls are white, the floors are white, the doors are…

(He remembers after one song , when Miku got back to the dormitory – she began to scream, and the sound carried on and on, and only later he realizes it was because he and Rin were screaming too.)

Everything is white, and silent. The others find this to be a relief – all day long, they're surrounded by instruments, and wailing guitar solos, and the sounds of their own voices. But Len finds it discontenting, and he can't help but pick up every sound they bring into this void.

As Len listens to Rin's breathing (he does this more than he cares to admit, hearing the breaths go in and out, reassuring himself that she's okay), he hears footsteps. He's heard enough different ones to tell if said footsteps are running-walking-skipping-dancing.

These are slow, lurching, and irregular.

He rises from the bed, crosses the room, and opens the door. As Len squints into the dark corridor (lit by the perpetually full moon and starlight), he sees Miku, and hears her softly crying.

"Miku?" Len ventures, hesitantly, not knowing if he's privy to this moment. The intimacy between them – between all of them – is so convoluted.

("Come on, trust me." he cajoles, pushing it because he's feeling cocky and stronger than usual. "You went with me that time, remember? And we disappeared, we died, together. You trusted me then. Why not now?"

Miku is silent for a moment, and then looks up at him with sad eyes. "Len, that never happened."

He comes back to himself a moment later, and a thousand apologies seem to pour from his lips. She just shakes her head and accepts them, because they've all made mistakes.)

She stumbles to a stop, leaning heavily against the wall. Miku wipes away the tears and looks up. "Ah, Len. I'm sorry, I woke you up…"

"No, I wasn't… sleeping. What—" Len begins to ask what was wrong, but then it hits him and he swallows heavily. "Did you… disappear again?" he reaches towards her, feeling the need to do something.

Miku avoids his touch. "Yes, I…" She swallows and rubs her hands over her arms, as if that would stop her shaking. "I'm alright, really." Miku tries to smile, but it falters and disappears. "I-I just need to…" she swallows again, heavily. "Sleep."

Len nods, slowly. Quickly ducking into the room, he grabs a blanket that was draped over a chair, and offers it to her. That she accepts, though Miku doesn't let him put it around her shoulders. She does it herself, and then sets off down the hall again, her steps a bit more measured than they were before.

He continues to watch her, until she passes through the double doors at the end of the passage and continues on deeper into the building. In the room behind him, Len can hear Rin stirring, the blankets rustling.

So he closes the door and returns to the bed. He curls around her, muttering softly that he's there, it'll be okay, and pushes down the familiar hurt when that makes her start to cry.

In the morning, Rin's okay. She always is. And Len's okay too. They don't talk about it. She's too tired from uneasy dreams to tease him, and he's too tired to encourage her.

* * *

2\. pretending

They're eating breakfast – Bananas, Rin decides, and Captain Crunch, yellow things (she throws the orange juice against the wall and Len pretends she did it because it was expired) – when there's a familiar beeping beside his skull.

"I got an assignment." He says, unnecessarily, making Rin roll her eyes. It's his tone that grabs her, a tad softer than usual and so carefully even (as if to make up for the fact that his hands are shaking.)

"What song?" Rin demands to know, even though she already knows. She drops her spoon, satisfied with the splash it makes when it hits the milk. Her appetite is gone, though she's pretending not to eat because she's waiting for his answer.

It takes a moment for him to say anything – he's pretending to be reading the title, rechecking to make sure it's right. Len's really composing himself, and Rin pretends to believe this.

(They're good at pretending.)

"Something new. It's with Miku though, you wouldn't be interested." Len's casual as he plays the Green card, a cheap move, and it makes Rin angry. It's easier to be angry than to feel guilty or helpless.

She leans across the table, her tie trailing into her cereal as she yanks off his headset. Though he grabs for it, she holds it out of his reach as she reads the memo. Rin's fingers tighten their grip and Len fancies he can hear the plastic start to crack.

"No, you can't do it. I won't let you!" She sounds like a kid (and she knows it, and hates it, but can't help it.) Her grip lessens, and he manages to take the headset back. Len resettles it on his head.

"Rin, it's okay. I'll be fine. I've done it a million times before." His smile is weak but maybe if he pretends it's genuine, she'll believe it too.

(Maybe he isn't trying hard enough because she scowls anyway.)

"That doesn't make it okay! It's horrible, that…" Rin starts to cry, like a child does. Big heaving sobs that take away her breath so whenever she gasps for air, it becomes another sob. He leaves his chair, coming to her side and hugs her.

"No, it is okay. It is horrible but we've been through worse, and I would've done what he did. Every time, I'd make the choice to save you." Len speaks calmly, reassuringly, into her hair. Despite himself though, he hugs her tighter, as if that'd protect her from everything.

She can't speak, and he doesn't say anything else, and they stay like that until her sobs quiet. Rin pushes him away, angrily rubbing away the tears. "I'm coming with you." She tells him, eyes bright but determined.

Len smiles, because that's the Rin he knows, but gives a little sigh. "If you must."

(He pretends he's not glad, but the sag of his shoulders gives away his gratitude.)

* * *

3\. hurt

Miku is on the bench in the spectators' area, watching Luka perform one of her latest hits when the twins walk in. She glances over to them. Rin is clinging tightly to Len's arm and glares at her. "Good morning." Miku says softly.

She looks perfect, as always. Len stares at her hands, resting in her lap, and marvels at how still they are. "Good morning." He returns, civil as always, and Rin glares up at him, pouting.

Apologizing before he can stop himself, Len steals another glance at Miku, to see if she's watching them with her lips quirked into a smile and jealousy in her eyes.

But no, her attention is turned back to the drama unfolding in front of them. She's jealous of the boy on the couch next to Luka, not the twins. Her hands are clutching each other, knuckles white from gripping too hard. She looks pained, and Len knows it's a new pain.

(They've all hurt each other – they've taken lives, innocence, blood. They've been cursed, and tortured, and destroyed.

But none of that actually happened.)

This – what they're watching – never happened either. But it's still hurting Miku, the real Miku (or as real as she is at that moment, as the rest of them are), and she doesn't know what do to.

(They know how to try and cope with hurts that doesn't exist. Real pain is much harder to dismiss.)

Len wishes he could say something, a magic word that'd make it okay, or a way to hit reset or format and erase this moment.

(He hates himself immediately afterward for thinking that, a deeper self loathing than he's ever felt before, because Miku's nightmare, all of their nightmares, is to be deleted.)

Rin is tugging at his sleeve, and he has an appointment to make. Miku meets his eyes and smiles sadly. His reassurance isn't the one she needs, they both know that. So he helplessly leaves, going to the next studio.

* * *

4\. return

It takes him a moment to come back to himself. He's still on his knees. His hands go to his throat, feeling for blood, and he's gasping for air. Someone runs up to him (he listens for the swish of skirts, and maybe he imagines that he hears them.) They crouch down, speaking rapidly to his deaf ears.

He clutches her arms, staring up at her. His hearing returns, and she's saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't be selfish anymore, it's okay now, I'm sorry."

As he stands, she supports him (she's too short, something's wrong) and his feet unconsciously lead him away. "Princess, " he breathes.

"I'm not your princess!" she protests petulantly, childishness returning as she pouts.

That familiar, beloved expression, finally allows him to resurface. Len gives a shaky laugh. "'Course you are. You're the number one princess in the world." She knows he's back, and throws her arms around him and they cling desperately to one another.

"I'm sorry—" Rin says again, but he shakes his head.

(It's always certain words that they say like prayers – thank you, goodbye, goodnight – breathed and repeated until the words lose their meaning.)

"It wasn't you. None of that was your fault." Len draws himself away from her reluctantly. "I need to get out of these clothes." He tries for a smile, and so does she. She throws a fit, for his sake, about being kept out of the dressing room, and he's touched by her thoughtfulness.

He's grateful for any normality at that moment.

* * *

5\. colours

In the hallway, they pass Gackpoid and Megpoid. She looks tired, and he looks slightly helpless as to what to do. Still, he's supporting her and promising that after this song, they can take a break.

As Gackpoid glances towards the twins, it seems he's expecting a scathing remark. They have declared that 'green is the enemy' afer all. But that doesn't apply to her.

Besides, as the newest one, she hasn't been exposed to the horrors yet. They can't hold that against her. Nor can they hate Gackpoid for not being used. They get to sing, he gets scorned.

Some days, the horrors are almost (nearly, barely) worth it, for the chance to sing.

They just step to the side, and Rin whispers to Gumi in passing where Kaito keeps his ice cream hidden. It'll help her throat, somewhat.

(At least she hasn't screamed herself raw yet.)

When the two are gone, Rin and Len continue on. He's not sure where they're going. It's too early to go back to their rooms, and they'll probably be summoned again soon. His legs feel slightly wobbly, and he decides it'd be nice to sit down somewhere.

He steers Rin towards outside, and she lets him do it. Rin is oddly quiet, lost in thought. Len doesn't feel like prying conversation out of her – she'll speak her mind soon enough, she always does.

As they turn into the archway leading outside, music reaches his ears. For a moment, it's utterly foreign to him. Music was for inside the studios, where they were told what to sing.

(They can't manage it on their own. They can't sound human.)

But somehow, this song almost sounds real.

Out on the grass, Luka is sitting with her skirts spread around her. Miku's head is in her lap. Gently, Luka is playing with the long, green strings of Miku's hair as she sings. Miku's eyes are closed, she's still and peaceful and nearly sleeping.

Len remembers the first time he heard Luka sing, really sing. He was hit by a furious anger, thinking it wasn't fair. Why was she allowed to be nearly human? What about the rest of them?

But it was soon replaced by wonder – the same he can see on Miku's face. Their diva, the leek girl – she can't sing human songs, but Luka can, and just being allowed to witness something that wonderful was a near holy experience for Miku, for all of them.

Looking over to Rin, he sees that she's gone still too, listening to Luka's song. He nudges her, and then leads her over to the patch of grass opposite the pair. They settle in the green grass, turning their faces up to the sunshine.

(They pretend it feels real.)

Rin curls up against Len's side, staring at the grass. It's too still, too perfect. There should be bugs and flowers and butterflies. But it's such a strong colour, a break from the white hallways and black studio rooms.

(They'll take what they can get.)

His eyes close and he tries to escape the feeling of the blade pressed against his throat. Rin begins to hum – it's nothing really; not a song, and barely a tune, but he knows she's trying. Len presses his cheek against her head and begins to hum as well.

He tries to think of lyrics and stories to match their almost tune, but he can't escape from woods, and circuses, and Alices, and hearts, and programs, and princesses.

They won't ever get away, but they'll try to fill the silence and find colour until they disappear.

**Author's Note:**

> So, obviously, this was written before append. Also Iroh and any that came after her? I've lost track, to be honest.
> 
> The bit with Luka is based around the fact that when I heard her, I was amazed. Though, of course, they've since changed the software and made it better for the other ones.
> 
> Also, seriously, how many people use Gakupoid?


End file.
